Haven’t been around because honestly I’ve been just sinking in every aspect of my life. Almost rock bottom but regardless I’ve been doing better the last month or two.
So around the end of September I was just ready to give up. Throw in the towel. Drive my car off the road. Just like fuck it. I was on my way home from work and it was the last day for me to work (as a waitress) for the month before rent was due and I had maybe $300 of my $1200 rent basically. It was bad. Thank God for my amazing family but I was just so tired of costing them money that we all just didn’t have.
I felt like I was failing as a mother (still do) But I just get so overwhelmed so easy… (honestly it might be the layout of my apartment – I hate it so much and it makes it so much harder for me to get anything done). Anyways, life was just HARD.
I called suicide hotline and talked myself down but I was legitimately scared driving home that day. Locking my arms on the wheel trying to hard not to turn it. Like praying in my head to get all these negative thoughts out of my head. “PLEASE GOD. NO. I DONT WANT TO.” Repeatedly. And I had self- harm thoughts for about 2 weeks following that.
Then I found my dog. I found her roaming around in a Walmart parking lot covered in oil. Very sweet puppy. I took her to see if she was microchipped. I posted her picture everywhere for two weeks and no one claimed her. She was mine and it was honestly meant to be.
She was sweet with the kids and very protective of us immediately. Sweet with anyone I brought her around and hardly ever barked. Walked great on a leash. Was potty trained within 2 weeks. She is just overall a genius dog.
I consider her my spirit animal because she just reacts so well around people and as long as I’m comfortable then she’s just fine. As soon as I feel threatened or unsafe she starts to bark at them.
But she just makes me happy. I’m forced to be active because I have to walk her and I have to keep my apartment clean otherwise she could chew on things. But a clean apartment just in itself keeps my mental health in check. I love her so much.
So Thank You Ariel for saving me.
(Side note: my kids also kept me alive. More so in a way that I would never do anything with them home to where they would see or “find me.” I wouldn’t want to scar them for life. I’m always with them except maybe once a week and I was clinging to them during that time because I was scared to be left by myself.) Also… I’m doing way better now and I’m seeing a counselor and Ariel is just keeping me afloat and keeping my active and aware of people that are not genuinely good people.