I’ve spent the last 8-10 months telling myself that the depression and anxiety were side affects of the hypothyroidism. While my anxiety has completely subsided, the depression is still raging inside.
Today and for the past week, the thoughts that have crossed my mind have been nothing short of frightening. I’m mentally preparing for my family to question my depression and why I posted a live video of my having a breakdown on Facebook. But everytime I think of it, i cry harder.
People have tried to reach out to me but I cant even let them in because it seems (to me) so heartless. Like they don’t even care. Even coming from people that I know care, seem like empty gestures. Like they’re doing and saying these things because it’s part of script. Its just something you say to someone that’s depressed. And even if they do mean it, I am incapable to receive positive comments about myself. It will literally bounce off of me.
“We get it. Shes depressed. Get over it.” I feel like I just create so many more problems for everyone than what I am worth. Like everyone’s problem would go away if -.
I just took a bath. Relaxed and tried my hardest to be happy. Repeated to myself, “I deserve happiness. I deserve love.” And it helped… a little bit but then I decided to think of everything that was going RIGHT in my life.
- I have two beautiful kids that love me. (Aiden gave me the BEST hug today & he made me a necklace).
- I have a roof over my head.
- I have clothes on our back.
- We have food in our stomachs.
- IM ALIVE.
- I have supportive parents.
- I have a support friend.
- I still have a job.
- Idk that’s all I can think of right now.
Right now my kids are keeping me sane. As long as I’m with them, I’ll be fine.
Xoxo – Liz