So about a month ago I started another blog. Theres only one post on it and I was going to start using it as my main site but the post that I wrote was very personal and I didnt want it to define me. I’ll put the link at the bottom of this post.
Anyways, what happened really changed me in more ways than I expected it to. I buried it deep inside me for about 3 months because everyone kept pushing it around and sort of making light of the situation. then about 2 months of really heavy crying and hating myself. As of right now I just refuse to deal with it, but I’ve turned into a very hateful and bitter person.
I hate the person that this situation turned me into. I can’t accept compliments. I said in my last post that I’m repulsed by men. I force myself to do things that I ultimately don’t want to because I want to be who I used to. Take back my control in my sexuality. I want to enjoy being me. I want to enjoy my life. There are time that I can’t even look at who I am with or kiss them because I’m disgusted.
I used to be so nice and outgoing. Talking and complimenting people. Laughing and joking. Wanting to be beautiful and sexy. And now I’m closed off and very lonely. I hide behind my phone, a stone cold face and a fake smile (when needed and it’s very noticeably forced).
I’m tired of men in particular seeing my body as a just a hole to put it in. Even if they’re genuinely interested in getting to know as a person I’m afraid of letting people getting too close to me because I don’t want to be taken advantage of. I’m terrified because you really have no idea who you’re talking to.
I try to tell myself it’s a blessing in disguise because it got me out of bad habits. It got me out of a bad job. It helped me realize that some people don’t need to be in my life unless they truly deserve it. But how am I supposed to let people in if I’m afraid?
I may seem like the same person I was a year ago. Dancing and joking but I’m hiding behind it and trying to convince myself I’m still the same person I used to be. I still cry myself to sleep some nights wondering where I went wrong. There are days I just don’t want to live if I can’t be happy anyways.
Then the next day I try harder to be happy and move forward and I’m okay for a few days before it slowly creeps back into the back of my head and takes control again.
I’m emotionally exhausted and I miss me. Read my original post here.