Last night as I was driving an old friend around I kept zoning out and ultimately not paying attention to what I was doing. I slammed on the breaks as the lights turned red not realizing that it was yellow. Slowed down at green lights.
She asked me “are you alright? Do you want me to drive?”
“No, I’m alright I’m just really anxious,” I replied as I ferociously picked at my face.
And finally, someone asked me… “What’s going through your head? I want to know,” instead of telling me to just relax.
Here is what I said and it’s the best way I can describe my anxieties.
So we have all seen tv episodes where someone goes into the past, they change the slightest thing and then their whole future is now completely warped. That’s what my head is like. I relive every possible past moment, asses how it affects my future, then try to come up with a solution to every potential scenario. And it goes on and on… and ON.
I have whole conversations in my head of people judging me and how I will handle that situation. I demean myself and say it’s not that big of a deal. My panic attacks feel like I cant move. I really cant even blink and I’m in a whole different world with things being thrown at me. I zone out and its dangerous.
The only way I have been able to calm myself down is to think of something that is in no way related to my life… googling random shit. Workouts that I’ve never completed, crafts I will never do and writing things no one would ever read.
My friend then asked what I was anxious about and she opened the flood gates. Its overwhelming just thinking about it and my chest is tightening as I type right now.
But here we go…
- I worry about spending times with my kids and giving them attention.
- How I need to feed them healthier food but also overwhelmed by thinking of what is healthy and what isn’t.
- I worry about their dad and how if I push my kids on him then I’m potentially putting them in a dangerous situation because he might get annoyed with me and try to “get rid” of the situation.
- I worry if he starts dating someone and she gets jealous of my kids (that he has kids with someone that isn’t her) and tries to “get rid” of the situation.
- I worry that whoever I date will try to get rid of my kids out of jealousy.
- What if he touches them inappropriately?
- What if he beats them?
- What if down the line we have kids together and he treats his biological kid better than mine.
- What if I never amount to anything and I’m stuck as a waitress forever?
- What if I die and no one is around to take care of my kids.
- What if there is apocalypse and my whole family is separated. I get very overwhelmed about this because my family has their own brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, partner and children that they want to keep track of and that’s just a lot! My real life version of this is caravans and someone takes a different exit or isn’t directly behind me.
- But back to dating real quick… can I remind y’all that Ted Bundy was a real person and those kind of people really exist.
- Back to my kids… sex trafficking and someone trying to take my kids because they want to get out of the cart at the grocery store and look at a toy. What will I do if they take one and I have to run after them but do I leave the other behind or potentially let them slow me down?
- What if someone actually takes my kids and I put out and amber alert and everyone ignores it and they never find my babies?
- On a less serious note… I work in a bar and more people should mean more money… right? Well I have such a hard time being in crowds of people like it’s too much energy I can’t handle it. I’ve actually cried about it before when I felt stuck and I couldnt leave. I have to work day shift and it means a significant about of less money. And this is something I struggle with because of my anxiety.
- People take advantage of me because I’m too nice and too afraid of people being disappointed in me. So I put in everything and I know or think that people don’t really like me and just want what I’m willing to deliver to keep them happy.
Thats all I can think of right now but I’m sure more will come. This hurt my brain. I’m not sure how to handle all of this. Comment down below how you deal with your anxiety or tell me what makes you anxious.